I need to remember to stop thinking “Hey, subway car all to myself” whenever I see an empty one, and start thinking “There’s unconscious homeless man in here who has probably shit himself.”
Lint-rolling chest hair: BACHELORDOM ACHIEVED
My bank just offered me 0% APR financing on a credit card which is good, ‘cause I’ve been looking for someone to finance my raging addiction to APR with no penalties.
Whenever I exit a restaurant I like to exclaim “Man, that plate of human meat was delicious!” in hopes that a party entering the establishment hears me cause hey, you never know, there might be some cannibals in there.
Whenever I go to buy bags of fertilizer, I always make sure to say, “I’m gonna use this to blow up the neighborhood……WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS!” Then I climb into my van full of guns and drive off into the sunset.
I really wish restaurants would stop saying their entrees come with sweet potato fries and just say a side of garbage.
I need to remember that farting when I’m wearing headphones doesn’t mean other people can’t hear it.
I don’t think it’s fair to refer to him as the “Late” Michael Jackson anymore. It’s not his fault he isn’t punctual anymore, people. He’s dead for crying out loud.
When is Williams-Sonoma going to finally change its name to “Things That White People Enjoy Buying”?
Good thing the a and the r in Zach Braff’s name aren’t switched around. He probably would’ve had a hard time getting Scrubs on TV. The Execs would’ve been all “More SCRUB the floor cause there’s barf all over it!” amiright?