Jokes for the Deaf

I hate the blind

Thought #86 

Apr 26th at 7PM / 0 notes

I need to remember to stop thinking “Hey, subway car all to myself” whenever I see an empty one, and start thinking “There’s unconscious homeless man in here who has probably shit himself.”

Thought #85 

Apr 26th at 7PM / 0 notes

Lint-rolling chest hair: BACHELORDOM ACHIEVED

Thought #84 

My bank just offered me 0% APR financing on a credit card which is good, ‘cause I’ve been looking for someone to finance my raging addiction to APR with no penalties.

Thought #83 

Mar 9th at 7PM / 0 notes

Whenever I exit a restaurant I like to exclaim “Man, that plate of human meat was delicious!” in hopes that a party entering the establishment hears me cause hey, you never know, there might be some cannibals in there.

Thought #82 

Mar 4th at 12AM / 0 notes

Whenever I go to buy bags of fertilizer, I always make sure to say, “I’m gonna use this to blow up the neighborhood……WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS!” Then I climb into my van full of guns and drive off into the sunset.

Thought #81 

Feb 5th at 6PM / 0 notes

I really wish restaurants would stop saying their entrees come with sweet potato fries and just say a side of garbage.

Thought #80 

I need to remember that farting when I’m wearing headphones doesn’t mean other people can’t hear it.

Thought #79 

Feb 3rd at 3PM / 0 notes

I don’t think it’s fair to refer to him as the “Late” Michael Jackson anymore. It’s not his fault he isn’t punctual anymore, people. He’s dead for crying out loud.

Thought #78 

Jan 3rd at 3PM / 0 notes

When is Williams-Sonoma going to finally change its name to “Things That White People Enjoy Buying”?

Thought #77 

Dec 23rd at 6PM / 0 notes

Good thing the a and the r in Zach Braff’s name aren’t switched around. He probably would’ve had a hard time getting Scrubs¬†on TV. The Execs would’ve been all “More SCRUB the floor cause there’s barf all over it!” amiright?